If you've ever met a professional cyclist you likely had the strong feeling of extreme dislike for them. This in not an uncommon reaction. Professional cyclists (or really anyone who gets paid to exercise) embody a very unique lifestyle that automatically makes them better than you, in both your mind and their own.
Here's the cold hard truth. You can't beat at something you like to do if they do it 1000% more every week than you do. It's just not possible. Pro cyclists ride 500 miles a week. You ride 50 to 100. They are better than you. Now, they don't have to act this way. That's their decision. But they also aren't likely to find a polite way to tell you that, no, they're never going to go for a ride with you. No matter how often you ask. Cycling, like tennis, doesn't bode well to hitting down. They need to do their mileage to stay fast, and you need to do your own to get faster.
Team Scrappy can help you bridge the gap though. You're still going to get whuped by even the lowliest Pro Cat III, and you'll probably still think their big you know whats, but hey, keep it up. Maybe some day you can be a big swinging johnson too.
Big gear workouts are the meat to a Pro cyclists potatoes. They're not fun to do, but they will make you faster if you can do them right.
Beginner gearing: 39x13 or 53x19 (count up from the bottom - 12 is usually 1 or 2, 21 is usually 7 up)
Advanced gearing: 53x15 or 53x17
Now go ride. Pick a nice flat to rolling loop. You can shift +/- one gear on either side of your original gearing. Your feet will feel fast on the downhills, and your thighs will burn like hell on the uphills. This means you're doing it right. When you're done, you should feel like you lifted a lot of weight for an hr and a half. Because you did, fatso ;)